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she's the flower that you place on my casket. [entries|friends|calendar]
the artist formerly known as cause girl.

[ website | pointy ballerina feet. ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

and some things never get better, like used cars and bad livers. [12 Apr 2005|11:30pm]
[ mood | nauseated ]

So it seems I can't win.

When I try to help someone, I'm a bitch.
When someone thinks I spread a rumor, I'm a bitch.
When I apologize, I'm a bitch.
When I'm doing absolutely nothing, I'm a bitch.

Welcome all, to the life of Emma Nelson. Professional bitch.

Craig, I'm backing off. Someday you're going to find me dead somewhere and forget you're the one who put me there if you don't just listen to what I'm saying.

2 comments|post comment

embrace the emptiness, let it enfold you. [07 Apr 2005|09:07pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

My conscience will be even more guilty if I don't tell Joey. Or at least tell my mom or Snake to tell him. She says that he'd never dream of hurting me but it doesn't matter if he's dreaming it. He never dreamed that he'd kiss Manny again after last year but look where we are now. Meds won't help him. It's because he's not taking them at all. How the hell are they going to work if he won't even take them, let alone listen to me? The only thing he seems to be wanting to ingest is pot. If I can't help him and Manny can't help him, then Souve will. Because I can't live my life like this anymore, even if I am Degrassi's resident whorehoeslutskank.

Hearing about an ex-fuck buddy messing around with his cousin isn't too comforting, either.

Ew. Scarred for life. Thanks, Santos.

1 comment|post comment

sometimes i think i'll die alone, i'd love to die alone. [04 Apr 2005|05:55pm]
[ mood | confused ]

Well, I'm back.

I was never really gone. Not physically, but mentally. But I'm back. That's a fucking lie and you all probably know it. I have one thing to say. Aftermath is an ugly word. An ugly, ugly, ugly word. I deserve to be lynched for even going that day. I'm the founder of bad decisions, anyway. You know, like. Committing social suicide. That's a big one. No matter how this rape hurts me, I'm a whore in everyone else's book so I wanted it. How do others know without me telling them? JT. Someone who I owe more apologies then I'm giving him. Which is none.

All I have to say is that I owe everything to Craig and Manny.

Manny inspires me to be a trend whore like her. I love whores.

[x] Best memory of me.
[x] Favorite thing about me.
[x] What's the best thing you've ever done with me.
[x] What's my best quality.
[x] What's my worst quality.
[x] Describe me in as many adjectives as you want.
[x] If you could set me up with someone who would it be.
[x] Name one band I like.
[x] Name one thing I wear.
[x] Name one thing I love.
[x] Name one thing you think I should have.
[x] Say one fact about me.
[x] Write your honest opinion of me.
[x] Post this on your journal.

2 comments|post comment

i went to heaven, couldn't get in for what i've done. [21 Mar 2005|04:16pm]
[ mood | distressed ]

I'm sorry, Craig, for the way I've been acting. I swear to God it's nothing against you well, maybe a little bit. I still can't sleep at night. Though I remember none of it, I get these horrible nightmares of what might have. Please, just help me cope by letting me be. I'll be alright.

1 comment|post comment

feeling my faith erode. [18 Mar 2005|04:43pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

Phew.

Not really.

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i hope the next girl you kiss has something contagious on her lips. [16 Mar 2005|04:21pm]
[ mood | empty ]

i still taste you, and thus reserve my right to hate you.Collapse )
1 comment|post comment

i gave you roses now but i left in the thorns. [13 Mar 2005|05:01pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

Should've known. Should've realized it back in grade seven after that fight with Jimmy. Should've realized it when you pushed me to the ground and apologized like crazy then went right back and screwed me over again. Again and again and again. And I should've known that although what you did for me recently was something I can never fairly repay you for, you're still Sean. You're still the guy that dropped the girl you loved for a gang. You're still the guy who's Slim Shady on the outside but a complete and utter coward in the inside who has no fucking clue what he's doing.

I think that's why I had to hear about how our relationship was really going through this stupid LiveJournal trend. And not even from your own journal. From your ex-girlfriend's. That's really, really hurtful. And despite how hurtful it is, I know how to give it right back. By saying that we're fucking done, Sean.

And that Craig and I are back together. Yippee. And no sarcasm there, either. <3

2 comments|post comment

"you sound so angry, just calm down, you found me." [09 Mar 2005|10:23pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I don't even know what to think anymore, Sean.

First you post this cute little "emo and girly" entry about me and then you don't feel anything? I don't either, I agree wholeheartedly.

We need to talk. So I can break up with you. Because I've realized --- I can't be with anyone else seriously other than Craig.

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hidin' all your feelings behind your barricade. [02 Mar 2005|08:30pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

Finally, an emo-free day. First of all, I'd like to begin a petition to ban the word "emo" out of all vocabularies. Just kidding. But really. I like the music, but life's too short to just feel sorry for yourself all the time. Which is what I learned today.

First of all, Manny and I are cool now. I won't elaborate on that, but I will say that what I did was the work of Satan and I regret it horribly. Because I hurt you. And because I fucked a guy who was 99% sure he was STD-free.

My life is finally beginning to rebuild. I've got all the friends I want and have made a new one, Haley Johansson. Craig's friend, sweet, mature senior, I'm loving her musical background. Plus she's been to California, which is like, my lifelong dream.

Nothing can really bring me down right now. But it's still a constant struggle to accept the fact that I've still lost Craig.

2 comments|post comment

you have me forever and after. [27 Feb 2005|02:27am]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

Everything I wanted to hear so long ago I heard today. He always wanted me, always was sorry, always wanted to turn back time but knew that he couldn't. And that's how I feel with just about everything right now. Maybe that's why today was drenched in chemistry right out of a romance novel, and definitely not the overly dramatic drugstore kind.

Maybe it's how astonishingly caring he looks when he's not hidden by that grey hoodie. Or the way he makes you laugh (especially with a bright purple pimp hat on). Just the way he did everything was perfect. I'm still not in love. I can't be, my heart only belongs to Craig and no one else.

You saved me. And I can't express how thankful I am for that.

I'm just glad that everything's out in the open.

Now I'm grounded. But I don't care. I'm floating on a fluffy white cloud.

2 comments|post comment

will you sleep tonight or will you think of me? [25 Feb 2005|10:50pm]
[ mood | calm ]

I'm happy now.

Thanks, Craig.

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i could be your heroine. [23 Feb 2005|09:06pm]
[ mood | optimistic ]

Unfortunately for the majority of students at Degrassi, I'm back from the hospital. I won't be going back to school until Monday, so have your ridiculous gossip-drenched fun while I'm not here. You've got tonight, tomorrow, Friday, and the weekend. And I can cut it short if things continue to be a complete and utter Hell.

I just want to say I love you thanks to Craig and thanks to Ashley and anyone else I might have missed for visiting me. I really appreciate it. Craig, how can you even look at me after everything I've done to you and everything I've done to other people? After all the hateful things you've heard about me? God, I'm so stupid for ever losing you. No matter how many times that you say it, it's my fault. Please realize that I'm the one for you. Not Alex. Please, not Alex.

So .. my parents told me. It was alcohol poisoning. I'm not going to make any lame excuses. No, someone didn't pour some vodka into my mashed potatoes while I wasn't looking. Because of all of the conniving shit I've been doing lately the only think I'd been looking foward to was drinking. Cold, hard drinking all night long, all afternoon long after school. I admit it. Yeah. I screwed up, which is what I do best. Give it all you've got, I've heard it all by now.

And I'm still sorry. Sorry to Manny, sorry to Craig, even sorry to Alex. Sorry that I was so .. blegh.

While I was sick I had my fair share of Lohan flicks, so I have to say that I'll be "sucking the poison" out of my life. Which means no more Ravine. No more drinking. No more latenight sneak-outs. No more Jay. No more meaningless, no-strings-attached sex.

Bravo, bravo.

I think I'll write a petition. Or make some ribbons. Those always make me feel better. Actually, I wouldn't know since I haven't made either of them in months.

Petition regarding what, you might ask? Underage drinking. And abstinence, so people don't have to go through a pregnancy AND an STD scare within four months like I have.

3 comments|post comment

but i must forgive myself. [21 Feb 2005|07:26pm]

distorted feelings always leadin' my way.Collapse )
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the damage is infectious. [21 Feb 2005|02:47pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

Manny, if time were erasable I wouldn't have had as much fun as I am now I would get rid of every little thing that I've done to hurt you and the people you care for. I feel like taking a six-pack to the Ravine dying because I know I've had a hell of a good time lately hurt you in the hugest way possible.

Please forgive me. You don't have to if you don't want to, I don't really care. I know I don't deserve one, but if you could give me a second chance I unfortunately wouldn't be spending as much time with Jay I'd try my best to change. Really change. Not really.

10 comments|post comment

you know you do, you kill me well. you like it too and i can tell. [19 Feb 2005|01:49pm]
[ mood | content ]

I've started this new thing. It's called the thing where I don't care who talks shit about me behind my back. Yeah, that whole move. If I had done this long ago, I wouldn't be broken-hearted or left alone or rejected quite as much.

So go ahead. Do it. Say that I can't say anything about your faults because I cheated on Craig with JT for no apparent reason. Go ahead. Say that I'm nothing but white trash who gets drunk at housewarming parties then gives my best friend's boyfriend a lapdance. Say that I'm viciously barking whatever the hell I want to at Craig just because he and Alex are friends. Say that I'm doing that because I'm jealous. I won't care. Not anymore. I'm not Cause Girl or any of that. I don't care about anything but myself. Not endangered leopards, not organic tofu. Get used to it because that's the way it's going to be. It's the perfect defense mechanism. So I won't be as distraught when someone eventually finds out that I'm sleeping with Jay on the side.

Oh, and also? Manny Most of you are all my equivalent so don't even get me started on what I could be saying about you. Don't.

8 comments|post comment

the only love i ever knew i threw it all away. [16 Feb 2005|09:14pm]
[ mood | determined ]

I know I should be feeling incredibly guilty right now, but for some freakish, evil reason, I don't. Not the least bit. Because this afternoon was the very first day in about two weeks that I've actually felt like somebody. Yeah, I know. Me and Manny's friendship. Yeah, I know. He just thinks of me as another piece of meat. But I don't know. Maybe this is the lifestyle I want to live. Because that fateful night at the housewarming party might've been the only night that I've ever felt free. If free = being a drunk slut then so be it, I guess. God, I hate hangovers.

Well if "Craiggor" here is having fun skydiving with his honey then I should be enjoying myself as well. And so here I am, enjoying myself like mad.

1 comment|post comment

cellophane flowers never happened for me. [12 Feb 2005|11:52pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

Just envision yourself losing the fucking love of your entire life for what most likely will be forever. FOREVER. I can't believe this .. just writing this makes me want to just stop living. It sounds ridiculous coming from a fifteen-year-old who supposedly doesn't know a damn thing about love, but what Craig and I had could never be ridiculous. It seemed like a dream. A movie. Better than a movie .. it was just completely and utterly surreal.

It's all gone. Three months that felt like centuries (which isn't a bad thing) just sucked down the drain. It's not a fake-out this time like you're all probably thinking. Nope. It isn't at all. It feels like millions of kitchen knives deep into your back or crows pecking your eyes out slowly and painfully.

I guess it might've been for the best, right? Now I actually have a life. I don't feel like Emma Manning or his mother or his nurse or his shrink or anything else that I'm not. Now I actually feel like Emma. Except with nothing to live for. I don't even care about the stupid ravine shit or the rights of treefrogs. I don't care about anything.

So basically I'm alone. My parents hate me and I hate myself. God, I'm such a fucking idiot.

3 comments|post comment

bad decision, repetition. [11 Feb 2005|03:59pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Craig, I miss you. I'd better savor the time I have alone because it already seems like so much has gone by. Take care of yourself and take your pills before you permanently harm someone and the apartment and I'll see you in a few days. I wish years. Well, maybe not years. But a hell of a lot more than just one week.

For those of you who are wondering, I can't handle tripling as Craig's mother-nurse-girlfriend any longer. I'm staying at a rinky-dink motel around thirty miles from Degrassi and I'll be back next week. my grandmother's sick and the fam and I had to catch a plane to Alberta early this morning. I'm exhausted and suffering from severe homesickness not really.

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i never met a pearl quite like you. [09 Feb 2005|09:14pm]
[ mood | groggy ]

I love Craig more than anything. Maybe even more than life itself. But I mean, do I even have a life anymore? Even if I do, it feels like it's just slipping through my fingers by the second. What about my lifelong dreams? I want to study zoology or medicine, travel the world and change it all at the same time. Sure it might sound selfish but right now it just feels like I'm more like the stay-at-home mom to Craig's kids rather than his high school sweetheart. Actually, he's loads more than just a high school sweetheart. Maybe that's why it's hard to let him go. Because he needs me. Which also sounds totally selfish. God, maybe I just need to get away. Go on a Craigless holiday. It'd kill him, but sometimes we have to hurt the ones we love most. Or something like that.

Manny's spending the night tonight. I'm glad Craig and I were of service. Anytime.

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i just want to take you away from everyone and keep you stashed under my pillow. [06 Feb 2005|08:39pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

Despite his obvious flaws, I know that Craig and I are going to be together for a while. Always. We just celebrated our one-month anniversary which sounds totally junior high, but somehow I just know.

Yesterday and today were both this mammoth adrenaline rush that I'll never forget. Unfortunately I want to forget it. Put it all behind me. Put it all behind both of us. Because it's something that'll never go away.

And unlike some, even though it's a disease and even though it's serious, I'll stick with him. I'll help him. I'll strive to be the best girlfriend and eventually wife, like I said I would that I can be. Because it'll just make us stronger.

I love you.

4 comments|post comment

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